Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Pour Your Heart Out - SCARED - HARD TO POST
Oh HOw I've missed PYHO with SHELL
THIS IS A REAL HARD ONE FOR ME!
Ok so those of you that read my blog on a regular basis (or I'd like to think you do)).. would know a few things about me... 1) I'm a mom of three/five kids 2) I'm married for the 2nd time to an amazing man 3) I think I live on a rollercoaster at times 4) hate my x .. any ways you get the picture.. but see I know I've written a whole blog or two bout DANNY my husband, whom I met in Jan 09 and we married in Oct 09. So see we havent even been married a year... and I get so scared of losing him/us.
I LOVE HIM so MUCH! and I know he knows I do... but see sometimes I think the whole us happening so fast causes us problems too.
Right after we got married I got really depressed. It was one of those moments when I was SOOOO HAPPY in EVERY WAY with HIM and US... but was so depressed about my job/weight etc.. so I ended up pushing him away not even realizing it. And now that I know I did..(he reminds me).. I get scared of that getting in our way.
Though we still laugh, talk, play, and touch each other there is something different... but let me back up a lil again.. in April of this year we got into a HUGE fight.. I won't go into a lot of details, but he is so ANGRY (bout his ex and her moving off with his kids) he ended up takin that ANGER out on me... so in turn as I had comeout of being so depressed and was reaching back out to him he pushed me away.. in ways I never thought possible.
So now here we are both still in love with each other (we've talked about it in great detail)... and both want this marriage more than anything... but we feel like we are starting over and it sucks. We are still newly married and it shouldnt be like this and we know it. IT HURTS both of us.. All I seem to do is cry when we talk about it... like I feel it is MY FAULT.... when I know it is both of our fault.
I just get sooo scared.. because I never felt the way I do about him about anyone, not my exhusband not anyone I ever dated. I gave my whole heart to him, from the beginning and I can't imagine us not being together. (LET ME STATE THIS - WE ARE NOT EVEN THINKING BOUT NOT BEING TOGETHER) - i JUST get scared and needed to put this out on paper per say.
I want more than anything to be with him for the rest of my life, and I know he loves me too, I feel it and see it. I just have to figure out how we get over this hump and back to the US that we both LOVE/NEED/WANT.
anyways.. this was really hard for me to post, just because It's like puttin our crap out for the world to see, but I figured someone would say something back to me that helps me, encourages me, WAKES me up lol
Thanks everyone that sits and reads this!
I LOVE MY HUSBAND DANNY!!!